02
Mar
16

Celebrity President

Celebrity President

(The Background)

With the Presidential Primaries halfway through, it is important to see which Presidential candidate will bring back U.S. jobs from overseas and bring back manufacturing, which will strengthen our economy. Since this is a popular sentiment, any candidate that does not mention this is obviously not a candidate who is interested in stopping offshoring and stopping the Free Trade treaties like the Trans-Pacific Partnership Pact (TPP). The candidates who are silent on this subject are: Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson and John Kasich. That leaves three candidates: one Republican and both Democratic candidates. Of the Democratic candidates, Bernie Sanders for years has been consistently against the Free Trade treaties, against offshoring US jobs, against the TPP and for keeping jobs in the USA. Regarding Hilary Clinton, the jury is still out. In years past, she was for Free Trade Policies, but during this campaign, she has said: “I am against the TPP as it is currently written.” This could mean if they change some language, then she might be for it. Regarding the Republican candidate, Donald Trump, it is an even bigger question mark. He says he will tax China’s imports, he will make Apple makes all their phones and computers in the United States. But how he will do this is anybody’s guess. It appears inevitable that Donald Trump will be the Republican standard bearer. So what if he won the general election for the Presidency, would he bring back jobs from China?  Or is it just another ploy to garner public opinion. The following is a fictional scenario, if Donald Trump became President.

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The Celebrity President: Season One, Episode One

The Setting: The Oval Office, the day after the inauguration.

Omarosa (“famous” reality TV star from The Apprentice) walks in, holds the double doors open and calls out: “Everybody, right this way.”

An army of  people carrying cameras, lights and microphones come in. A person (named Jerry) directs where to put all the equipment in their correct places.

Omarosa: “President Trump will be right with you.”

Trump enters, “Hello, Jerry, thanks for doing this, this will be the greatest reality show the world has ever seen. Set up your stuff wherever you need to. And make sure that each one of your staff gets one of my coffee mugs that says “Donald Trump 45th U.S. President.” It’s free to all the staff, but I am charging $20 to everybody else. Jerry,  I am sure you already know Omarosa”. They shake hands.

The cameras start rolling, Trump starts,”Okay, let’s bring them all in. All of you, for the Press Secretary position.”

Ten people of different ages, races, heights, weights and backgrounds all file in, including one familiar face.

Trump: “George Stephanopoulos, so good to see you.” They shake hands. Trump continues: “What brings you around here? You know you are totally over-qualified for this gig.”

Stephanopoulos (ABC News Anchor and previous Press Secretary to President Bill Clinton): “Well, it is in my wheel house being a previous Press Secretary, but, you, being the President, this is the biggest story of the decade and I wanted to be right there when something happens.”

Trump: “George, you know you can’t report this stuff on the news until we air it on Celebrity President, right? I mean, all of this should make a really great book, maybe even a TV series, movies, franchises… I’ll be set for life, baby. I’ll go easy on you at first, George, but, then you will be just like all of the other schlubs, I mean apprentices.”

Stephanopoulos: “Don’t give me any special treatment, just act like you don’t know me.”

Trump: “Okay”. He gives him a thumbs up sign.

Jerry, the director of Celebrity President, says to Trump, “Would you like to meet all the new candidates?”

Trump: “Not really, I mean, you can shoot those scenes when I am not around, I’ll eventually learn their names. Why don’t we get started?”

The lights go on, the cameras start rolling.

Trump: “Omarosa, you have been since last week, right? Thanks for starting early. As you know, I have been on vacation these last six weeks, because I know I won’t get another break for the next four years. Hoo, Boy! So, what do we have?”

Omarosa: “Well, we have a lot of things. First, did President Obama get a hold of you?  He said it was important, about giving you the run down on things? And something about codes. He left a 500 page binder of your desk.”

Trump, rolling his eyes, “No, he didn’t get a hold of me. And he should be addressed as Ex-President Obama or simply Obama. There’s only one President and that is me. What does he know? He’s a Muslim, born in Kenya, the worst President ever. What can I learn from him?” He tosses the 500 page binder into the round filing cabinet on the floor.

Stephanopoulos: “Well, when there was a disruption of military intelligence in the transition between Clinton and Bush, the 9/11 tragedy happened, which you blamed Bush for. History does repeat itself.”

Trump:”What do you mean?  We are not going be attacked by Saddam Hussein, he’s dead.”

Stephanopoulos: “Uh, Osama Bin Laden.”

Trump: “Dead, right?”

Stephanopolous: “Yes, dead.”

Trump: “See. You can’t be attacked by a dead man. George, I am giving you a warning. Anyway, back to business…Omarosa?”

Omarosa: “Next, a couple of countries have broken off diplomatic relations with us.”

Trump: “F*** them. They will be sorry.”

Omarosa: “We should set up a White House staff and the Cabinet, and maybe a Chief of Staff.”

Trump: “No other Chiefs, just me, we’ll delete that position permanently. Maybe, we should get a Secretary of Defense? Who was the last secretary of defense under the Republicans? Rumplemeyer? Rumsfeld?, Yes, Rumsfeld.”

Omarosa: “I’m connecting you to Secretary Rumsfeld…”

Apprentice #1: “He got us into Iraq.”

Omarosa points to the phone. Trump picks up phone (realizing what was just said): “Hello Rumsfeld, You’re fired!” He looks at the director. “How’s that for good TV?”

Trump: “How about Generals? I would like to get rid of any generals appointed by Obama. Are there any generals fired under Obama?  We’ll bring them back. Then we’ll attack ISIS, wherever that is.”

Apprentice #2 ” The biggest general names would be Petraeus, McKiernan and McChrystal. As for the others, there is usually good reason why they were fired – gambling, sexual misconduct, adultery, incompetence. I am not sure if the President can appoint Generals to the military, But, maybe you can fire them.”

Trump: “You know a lot about the military, play your cards right and you could be my new Secretary of Defense.”

Apprentice #2 “Yes, sir, Mr. President.”

Trump beams as he thinks about being called Mr. President. “Omarosa, get me Chancellor Merkel of Germany and Prime Minister Abe of Japan on a conference call right now.”

Omarosa starts making calls and then gives Trump a ready sign. Trump picks up the phone. “Angie and Abe-baby! Thanks for taking my call. As you know I am the new Big Cheese and you know why I am calling. I am asking for you to pay your fair share. We have been providing you our military forces on the cheap. And I think you aren’t paying at the current 2017 rate. Angie, how much do you think you paid for our servicemen to be there?…..What do you mean it is complicated? I’ll tell you, not enough! As of now, I am raising your rates to both of your countries by 400%, and if you don’t say yes within 48 hours, you will have to pay 800% more. So, call me back within 48 hours. Bye. Okay! Now we are on a roll” Trump starts rubbing his hands together. “What’s next?”

Omarosa: “Why don’t we meet your new Vice-President?”

Trump: “That is a great idea. Send him in.”

Trump turns to the new apprentices and says: “My first choice for Vice president was my wife, Melania, however, she wasn’t eligible because she wasn’t born here and her parents weren’t US citizens – maybe I can change that law? So, I did the next best thing. Everybody meet my son, Donald, Jr.”

Apprentice #3 (says quietly to the others): “Of course, that would be his son’s name.”

Trump: “I like to think of him as Vice President/Prince and I am the King of America. I was thinking of a great new ad campaign: What’s good for Donald Trump is good for America. No, it would be great for The President Of The United States of TrumpAmerica, POTUSOTA! How does that sound? We are going to make America white again!”

Donald, Jr: “It’s great, not white, we are going to make America great again.”

Trump: “Oh that’s right, I am glad I didn’t say that before I got elected. My poll numbers would have plumetted.”

Apprentice #3 (looking at her cellphone): “Oh my God, Germany and Japan have just dropped diplomatic relations with us.”

Trump: “F*** both of them. F*** those f***ing foreign f***s.”

Apprentice #3: “President Trump, I thought you weren’t going to cuss.”

Trump: “That was a campaign promise, it means it is only good when I am campaigning. It is like Lent, it is only good for 40 days.”

Apprentice #3: “You mean like the other promises aren’t any good either like bringing back jobs from China?”

Trump: “That’s right sweetie. My millionaire friends are making millions in China, just like I am doing with my Trump clothing line. Maybe I can buy a little part of China, maybe like one of the industrial cities like Shengzhou, and call it an American territory. The labels will read “Made in Shengzhou, America.”

Apprentice #3: “How about Obamacare? Are you going to repeal it like you promised?”

Trump (looking flustered, with his arms outstretched and his palms pointing upwards): “Replace it with what? You have the old system, then you have the health insurance exchanges (which is Obamacare) and then you have the single payer option, which our party doesn’t want. Wait a minute, I just had a stroke of genius. First, I repeal Obamacare and then replace with the exact same plan but with lots of advertising and press and we will call it TrumpCare! People will eat it up!”

Apprentice #3: “That’s awful. I was one of your biggest supporters, others said not to vote for you, because they said that you’d promise anything like a used car salesman to get your vote and once you did, you were out of luck.”

Trump: “Well that’s politics and that’s business.”

Apprentice #3: “No, it’s not, that is just lying”.

Trump (irritated): “You are so naive. Grow up! And you’re fired!”

Apprentice #3 runs off. Trump walks over to the director and says “You can dub in her name, can’t you?”

Jerry: “Sure, no problem, her name was Annette.”

Trump (turns towards the sound guys and carefully announces): “Annette, Annette.”

Jerry does a few keystrokes and says to Trump: “How does this sound?” Jerry hits another keystroke and voila, you can hear the replay of Trump talking: “You are so naive (Annette)! Grow up. And you’re fired (Annette)!”

Trump (to Jerry): “You are a genius. I had another great idea. How about for tomorrow’s show, Episode 2, we round up ten real judges and we do an Apprentice for Supreme Court Judges? Maybe make some inquiries to see if Judge Judy is around? I love her show.”

Jerry: “That is a great idea, will do.”

Trump (to everybody): “Okay that is a wrap. That was a good 30 minutes of work, I am bushed, no pun intended. I am going home.”

Apprentice #2: “Don’t you live here in the Oval Office?”

Trump: “I never stay where I work, besides this place is a dump. I will see everybody back here at 10 o’clock sharp tomorrow.”

“We are sorry for the interruption, but Celebrity President has been cancelled.”

Trump: “Who said that? I said who said that?!!”

Trump wakes up and realizes he had just been dreaming. He then states aloud:”Damn, I would make a great Celebrity President.”

END

 

 

 

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